posts

it's a slow morning on my fourth day here in west philly. despite feeling some frantic energy, I've kept my visit at a pretty mellow pace, planning one or two engagements per day and savoring the slow time spent with friends. I slept in quite late and am just now warming up to the day, preparing to take betty's bike out into the cold to see some of my oldest friends - the only people from my teens that I've really kept on with over the years. I've been experiencing strong contradictory feelings during my visit - grief, comfort, joy, relief, curiosity, bitterness. hurt and resentment surface and then are pushed aside by forgiveness, gratitude. I know I still haven't made up my mind about whether leaving was for good, about whether I will come back to live and if so when. it's so special to still be able to walk into events and pick up conversations that left off five years ago with people whose numbers I don't even have, people who were so thoroughly part of the landscape of my 20s that when I show up we blend right back into each other without missing a beat. but I also feel a little strangled by my past, less able to be free and confident with who I am now the way I have been able to in places where I'm new. just because something is familiar doesn't mean it's right...